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Old 31-01-2010, 07:41 AM   #1
Osama bin Laden Believes in Climate Change. Yeah, weird, right?
.BZU. .BZU. is offline 31-01-2010, 07:41 AM

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We here at Funny Crave like to believe that Osama bin Laden died a long time ago. But before his death he recorded hundreds of hours of audio that would slowly make its way out to the media like a newly discovered set of 2pac songs. If Osama were smart he would have signed a contract with a record company so he could make money off of all of these recordings and maybe – just maybe – he can have the cave that he calls home made in to a shrine like Elvis’ Graceland. Of course, people wouldn’t make the pilgrimage to his cave to stand in reverence to Osama’s incredible legacy. Osama’s Graceland will probably have a series of “Poop Points,” where a visitor can drop a duce on objects and areas that Osama loved. Maybe even an Osama dummy that can be stabbed, exploded, or shot…you know…for fun. The kids would love it.

Anyway, the reason we mention Osama’s audio clips is because a new one has made its debut on Al-Jazeera today. In it, Osama makes yet another shocking claim: he blames America for another thing. Yeah, his attacks are just getting more original as the days pass. This time the claim is about climate change. Osama, a man that lives in a cave, and widely considered America’s number one enemy, not only believes climate change to be real but believes that destroying America is the only way to stop it. It’s not solar panels, or electric cars, or stopping deforestation that will stop it. Getting rid of the United States as a whole should do the trick, in his eyes.
This, of course, raises a question: why is it that a man that, as we mentioned, lives in a fucking cave believes in the science behind climate change, yet a good deal of America politicians and citizens don’t? Another question this brings up is where the hell does he get his science news from? Does he subscribe to Popular Science? Is his cave outfitted with a totally awesome satellite dish? The kind that you see your neighbor install one day and you think about stealing. Does this satellite dish get the Discovery Channel and the Science Channel? Does his plan include the Spice channel? If he does have badass satellite TV, why can’t we just shake down his service provider for the address to his cave? How much does he pay a month? Does he know a guy that can hook him up with great deals? What’s the reception like? Does he use a portable generator to power his TV and receiver, or does he have outlets on the walls of his cave? What channels are on his favorites list? Does he have a Tivo? What’s on his Tivo? Is it loaded with Will and Grace reruns? Does he have HD?
These are all questions we may never get the answers to. And even if we did, we probably wouldn’t understand them very well. It’s like if a dog one day just started speaking English. Sure, we’d understand each individual word he says, but we would have no clue as to what then fuck he was talking about. So, really, we guess our overall point is: Osama bin Laden is like a talking dog…with satellite TV.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is news analysis you’ll never find on CNN. The pussies.


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